Mar 31, 2024 17:37:18
The Fairy Village: SWC March '24 Writing Thread
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Imacreamoo
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Ello o/ Critiquaire for your writing comp piece!
First off! I really liked this piece! You can feel Clara changing her mind as she recounts the story and you can feel the drive that she holds come the ends. You've created an amazing character through her and I'd love to know more about her!
Moving onto the actual critique part, I think there's a lot going on this short story which leads to it being confusing. Especially at the end, when the likes of visions started to come up in the plot. A natural part of science fiction is of course, that we will see things that do not exist yet, such as visions. But, another vital part of science fiction is that there is a reason for us to suspend our disbelief to believe that this is possible. While I can suspend my disbelief about scientists trying to genetically split something, the idea that visions are a side effect of this, is too far because I can't understand how it links to genetics.
The other issue that comes with these visions is that we aren't given any reason to trust them besides James told us their real. How does James know their real? Why is Clara trusting him when all previous descriptions gives Clara every reason to not trust James. *Should* Clara be trusting James? The other big question I have to wonder is what are these visions. If you generally expect me to believe that James and Darrell couldn't go to an ethics board and get them on their side etc… without giving me a reason why, my willing suspencion of disbelief has been lost.
I would normally suggest adding to your short story to add these layers of flesh and take away this layer of confusion. However, since this is a writing competetion entry and already bordering on 2000 words, I'd lean into what you already have set up and go for depth of their trauma rather than breadth of it. You have a teenager (?) who clearly doesn't trust adults in his life so why isn't he asking Clara because she is someone he can trust?
I think deciding to use direct address is a really intresting narrative tool and for the first half of the story, you make it work really well. It also helps explain why a lot of the early story is telling rather than showing. (I'd still work on this though ^^) so you make it work for you! However, I feel you loose a lot of this direct address in the latter half. I feel as though the entry would pop a lot better if you fully dedicated yourself to the direct address or used it far more infrequently than you do at the start. (If you've read Frankenstein think about how the story is mostly prose besides when Victor or the creature interject to remind you that they are telling this tale. Obviously, as a full novel, Frankenstein can do this more infrequently than you could in a 2000 word short story. I would personally go for at the start and then before the phone call with the rest being normal 1st person prose.)
I'm also rather confused with the timeframe of the story. The phone call to the brother was yesterday but the acceptance letter was from weeks ago, as we're told in the beginning. We aren't reminded of these facts within the prose itself, making it feel like the events took place in a shorter span of time than they did.
A small critique is that I think your opening can be a *lot* stronger. It's strong as it is but to enhance the piece I would:
a) Merge the second opening section into the opening part of the prose. You'd need to adjust it to fit in of course but it serves little purpose to be on it's own.
b) Starting a story on a ‘normal’ day is by no means a bad thing. Not everything has to start in media res. However, i) we as the reader don't need to be told the day is normal. It sets cliche alarm bells ringing in my head despite how it's a normal way to start a story. ii) Getting a scholarship to get into college is far from what I would consider a normal day and I'd reconsider if that's even the right word to use in this instance.
Final note is on structure! Please double space! (I know it's tedious but it makes reading a lot easier, espeically when you have large paragraphs.) and you don't need to italicise all the dialogue. If you're using the grammar correctly, the reader will know it's dialogue!
I feel like I've been really harsh so I want to remind you that I loved this piece. You have a lot of amazing ideas and a lot of room for potential here! I'd be really proud if I'd written this! You use powerful words (adjectives, verbs, the whole bunch) to convey Clara's emotions to the reader and push them onto us. Espeicailly at the end when she feels the need for justice!
First off! I really liked this piece! You can feel Clara changing her mind as she recounts the story and you can feel the drive that she holds come the ends. You've created an amazing character through her and I'd love to know more about her!
Moving onto the actual critique part, I think there's a lot going on this short story which leads to it being confusing. Especially at the end, when the likes of visions started to come up in the plot. A natural part of science fiction is of course, that we will see things that do not exist yet, such as visions. But, another vital part of science fiction is that there is a reason for us to suspend our disbelief to believe that this is possible. While I can suspend my disbelief about scientists trying to genetically split something, the idea that visions are a side effect of this, is too far because I can't understand how it links to genetics.
The other issue that comes with these visions is that we aren't given any reason to trust them besides James told us their real. How does James know their real? Why is Clara trusting him when all previous descriptions gives Clara every reason to not trust James. *Should* Clara be trusting James? The other big question I have to wonder is what are these visions. If you generally expect me to believe that James and Darrell couldn't go to an ethics board and get them on their side etc… without giving me a reason why, my willing suspencion of disbelief has been lost.
I would normally suggest adding to your short story to add these layers of flesh and take away this layer of confusion. However, since this is a writing competetion entry and already bordering on 2000 words, I'd lean into what you already have set up and go for depth of their trauma rather than breadth of it. You have a teenager (?) who clearly doesn't trust adults in his life so why isn't he asking Clara because she is someone he can trust?
I think deciding to use direct address is a really intresting narrative tool and for the first half of the story, you make it work really well. It also helps explain why a lot of the early story is telling rather than showing. (I'd still work on this though ^^) so you make it work for you! However, I feel you loose a lot of this direct address in the latter half. I feel as though the entry would pop a lot better if you fully dedicated yourself to the direct address or used it far more infrequently than you do at the start. (If you've read Frankenstein think about how the story is mostly prose besides when Victor or the creature interject to remind you that they are telling this tale. Obviously, as a full novel, Frankenstein can do this more infrequently than you could in a 2000 word short story. I would personally go for at the start and then before the phone call with the rest being normal 1st person prose.)
I'm also rather confused with the timeframe of the story. The phone call to the brother was yesterday but the acceptance letter was from weeks ago, as we're told in the beginning. We aren't reminded of these facts within the prose itself, making it feel like the events took place in a shorter span of time than they did.
A small critique is that I think your opening can be a *lot* stronger. It's strong as it is but to enhance the piece I would:
a) Merge the second opening section into the opening part of the prose. You'd need to adjust it to fit in of course but it serves little purpose to be on it's own.
b) Starting a story on a ‘normal’ day is by no means a bad thing. Not everything has to start in media res. However, i) we as the reader don't need to be told the day is normal. It sets cliche alarm bells ringing in my head despite how it's a normal way to start a story. ii) Getting a scholarship to get into college is far from what I would consider a normal day and I'd reconsider if that's even the right word to use in this instance.
Final note is on structure! Please double space! (I know it's tedious but it makes reading a lot easier, espeically when you have large paragraphs.) and you don't need to italicise all the dialogue. If you're using the grammar correctly, the reader will know it's dialogue!
I feel like I've been really harsh so I want to remind you that I loved this piece. You have a lot of amazing ideas and a lot of room for potential here! I'd be really proud if I'd written this! You use powerful words (adjectives, verbs, the whole bunch) to convey Clara's emotions to the reader and push them onto us. Espeicailly at the end when she feels the need for justice!