Coco_animator
loading
critiquitaire:
critique for @1lMaM
hey! this seems like a really interesting piece, and i can't wait to read it <3
I got really confused when i read this part haha, because in the other descriptions of nick, he acts maliciously and doesn't have good intent; in fact, he steals people's powers. ultimately, he's using julia to get his own goal. however, over here, you've described it in a way which portrays that nick is a good character, and he sees julia as a friend, who he evidently misses? this doesn't seem like the nick that you've described at all, so perhaps convey him in the way that you have in the rest of the story; greedy and villanous. it doesn't make sense that nick talks about julia quite fondly, and then when he sees her next, he tries to kill her and her friend, because this part makes the readers feel sympathetic to nick and think that he's in fact, kind and lonely. ( at least, that was the impression i got, and i was very confused haha )
i just put this here because i absolutely love this, haha <3 it's symbolizing the flowers and giving it a true meaning ^^
this part doesn't really make sense as i don't see how a tree experiencing pain is related to four people getting out of the cave, haha ^^ perhaps find a way to make it connected..
also, in the end, while talking about the bracelets- the sentences are quite short and abdrupt. maybe you could try to elongate them and join them to have that continuous flow!
other than that, this piece was quite good! i loved how you described everything vividly and put things cleary. i apologise in advance if there's something that i critiqued that was meant to be that way, and i didn't quite catch on! good job, haha!
critique for @1lMaM
hey! this seems like a really interesting piece, and i can't wait to read it <3
She's… gone. Found a new friend without telling me. I suppose that's okay after only knowing me a few days.
A steaming sandwich is brought onto the table, complete with a skewer to hold it together. Its salty smell wafts around me as I take a bite. Heavenly. Julia's missing out- Julia. She's fine without me. Unless-
I got really confused when i read this part haha, because in the other descriptions of nick, he acts maliciously and doesn't have good intent; in fact, he steals people's powers. ultimately, he's using julia to get his own goal. however, over here, you've described it in a way which portrays that nick is a good character, and he sees julia as a friend, who he evidently misses? this doesn't seem like the nick that you've described at all, so perhaps convey him in the way that you have in the rest of the story; greedy and villanous. it doesn't make sense that nick talks about julia quite fondly, and then when he sees her next, he tries to kill her and her friend, because this part makes the readers feel sympathetic to nick and think that he's in fact, kind and lonely. ( at least, that was the impression i got, and i was very confused haha )
The flowers remind me of friendship. Not friendship that shatters the moment it’s poked, but a steel pole that never breaks
i just put this here because i absolutely love this, haha <3 it's symbolizing the flowers and giving it a true meaning ^^
A tree next to the road screams in pain. I hold one close by and ask it what’s happening. “They’re okay. Four people are getting out. One has two bracelets. The yellow one’s flickering. Two have almost-white hair, and one has bushy eyebrows and a thick red beard. Foul man, that last one.”
this part doesn't really make sense as i don't see how a tree experiencing pain is related to four people getting out of the cave, haha ^^ perhaps find a way to make it connected..
also, in the end, while talking about the bracelets- the sentences are quite short and abdrupt. maybe you could try to elongate them and join them to have that continuous flow!
other than that, this piece was quite good! i loved how you described everything vividly and put things cleary. i apologise in advance if there's something that i critiqued that was meant to be that way, and i didn't quite catch on! good job, haha!