March 28th 2024
—— critique for @-forevermore

Hi Alaska! Sorry this is late. I really loved your piece, and it has a very interesting premise. Let's get into the critique!

Was. I keep forgetting, although I pick my way through the destruction.

This is such a spectacular opening <3

A child, when I first came here. A child who only wanted a home.

This is mainly personal preference, but I feel like the first sentence would flow better if it wasn't fragmented. “I was a child when (…)”

Often, days went by until the little girl finally managed to persuade her mother to open the door and free us.
…
I didn’t believe Marie’s promise. But the woman did everything in her power to care for us as did the rest of her family. Like the chocolate - a rare treat that Marie’s husband, Henri would often pull out of his pocket, twinkling at us.

This confused me a little bit. Was Marie a little girl, or a woman?

They had a daughter too. A miracle, a chess-playing miracle, after three tiny white crosses in the graveyard.
I cannot cleave the longing that is engraved on my very bones at the thought of her.
And she knew it.
She always did.

This is beautiful. I love the soft mention of her being a rainbow baby, as well.

I'm not going to quote all of it, but the scenes between Elodie and Julien are very well-written.

But most wounds stitch themselves back up.
I'm not sure where the threads that were meant to hold me together went.

I would switch the beginnings of these sentences around. “Most wounds (…) But I'm not sure (…)”

When my brother had fled town, rolling in debt and embroiled in scandal, I paid off every last penny. Like the man I was meant to be, the man he would never come close to being.

I think this section could benefit from a bit of foreshadowing that he's not telling the truth.

How could I be so uncaring, so selfish?

I love how this almost mirrors his actual feelings about what he's done.

Although, I have always loved Elodie. Longer than even him, perhaps.

I think this sentence would do better without the “although.”

And maybe, reader, I have lied to you. Maybe I have blurred the lines between truth and reality, so much so you begin to question who speaks to you.

I realized at this point that you never gave the narrator a name, and I love how that shows even more how much he lives in his brother's shadow.

And sometimes, family can mean terrible things.

THE ENDING ToT

This was a striking piece, Alaska. I loved your interesting use of italics and the way you gave away the plot twist. The writing was excellent and I really don't have many suggestions. The only thing I might say is that the beginning (with them being locked away or something) confused me. Other than that, it was amazing. Good luck! Thank you so much for sharing this with me!