tapdancer707
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Critique for @PoppyWriter
link to the writing: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/744595/?page=2#post-7885556
- “They seem to be looking longingly ” (from the 3rd paragraph) The phrase ‘seem to be’ is a bit clunky, I would change it to ‘appear to be’ or something similar, although that’s mostly personal preference. This comes up in the following sentence as well, although finding a replacement in that spot may be slightly more tricky.
-A little further down: “Might as well, I think.” It isn’t completely clear what the character is thinking here, was the character planning any specific interaction with the mysterious person or simply deciding to approach?
- At the end of the letter, the wavy dash at the end blends in a lot with the normal dashes used as scene transitions, so formatting this slightly differently or using a different scene transition would clear this up.
-In the second scene: ”I'm going to walk in their, claiming you're my sister, a magistic, and you're looking for work as an entertainer.“ In this sentence, ‘their’ should be replaced with ‘there.’
-At the beginning of the third scene: “And thus, I took on employment for the first time in my life.” This sentence sticks out a little, being in past tense when everything surrounding it is in present tense. I’m not sure if that was intentional or not, so just thought I’d point it out.
-At the beginning of the fourth scene’s third sentence, I think “purposely” should be changed to “purposefully,” although technically they’re probably both right? I tried looking up the difference and it seems like the correct one depends on what you intended as the author, so maybe just double check it.
-Near the very end: “my body seems to be begging me to cry, to get out this hurt.” It looks like the portion of the sentence after the comma may be missing a word somewhere?
-and lastly: “It's only when I see Eo's wanted poster two weeks later that I realized he got away too.” Here, ‘realized’ is in past tense when the rest is in present, so it should probably be switched to ‘realize’. I think there’s also a formatting issue at the very end, with “[/i}“ following the last word.
I’m afraid I was rushing a little when I wrote the critique, but the story is definitely an enjoyable read overall! You say the pacing is bad, but it seems fairly balanced to me for a short story, and I’m impressed that you got a full story into this shorter wordcount for the weekly. I also appreciate that the cliffhanger involves literal hanging from a ledge lol.
(critique is 350 words, after subtracting quotes.)
critique finished March 31, based on when the daily changed.
link to the writing: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/744595/?page=2#post-7885556
- “They seem to be looking longingly ” (from the 3rd paragraph) The phrase ‘seem to be’ is a bit clunky, I would change it to ‘appear to be’ or something similar, although that’s mostly personal preference. This comes up in the following sentence as well, although finding a replacement in that spot may be slightly more tricky.
-A little further down: “Might as well, I think.” It isn’t completely clear what the character is thinking here, was the character planning any specific interaction with the mysterious person or simply deciding to approach?
- At the end of the letter, the wavy dash at the end blends in a lot with the normal dashes used as scene transitions, so formatting this slightly differently or using a different scene transition would clear this up.
-In the second scene: ”I'm going to walk in their, claiming you're my sister, a magistic, and you're looking for work as an entertainer.“ In this sentence, ‘their’ should be replaced with ‘there.’
-At the beginning of the third scene: “And thus, I took on employment for the first time in my life.” This sentence sticks out a little, being in past tense when everything surrounding it is in present tense. I’m not sure if that was intentional or not, so just thought I’d point it out.
-At the beginning of the fourth scene’s third sentence, I think “purposely” should be changed to “purposefully,” although technically they’re probably both right? I tried looking up the difference and it seems like the correct one depends on what you intended as the author, so maybe just double check it.
-Near the very end: “my body seems to be begging me to cry, to get out this hurt.” It looks like the portion of the sentence after the comma may be missing a word somewhere?
-and lastly: “It's only when I see Eo's wanted poster two weeks later that I realized he got away too.” Here, ‘realized’ is in past tense when the rest is in present, so it should probably be switched to ‘realize’. I think there’s also a formatting issue at the very end, with “[/i}“ following the last word.
I’m afraid I was rushing a little when I wrote the critique, but the story is definitely an enjoyable read overall! You say the pacing is bad, but it seems fairly balanced to me for a short story, and I’m impressed that you got a full story into this shorter wordcount for the weekly. I also appreciate that the cliffhanger involves literal hanging from a ledge lol.
(critique is 350 words, after subtracting quotes.)
critique finished March 31, based on when the daily changed.