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Critique for @HermioneVoiceActress
https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/744676/?page=1#post-7833775 (4th part of 2nd weekly, the SWC fanfiction.)
-”I’d been snoozing nearly the whole day?!” in this thought, “I’d” should be changed to “I’ve”, because in writing people typically think in the present tense (and it makes slightly more sense, at least to me).
- “Anyways, Fern the fluffy Goat from the Fairy Tales Cabin, decided ” In this sentence, either the comma before ‘decided’ should be removed, or one should be added after ‘Fern’.
- “He seemed to be trying to eat me, or so I thought” is a little bit redundant, ‘seemed to be’ could be replaced with ‘was’.
- “You’ve got good taste,” Fern grins, I guess ” The comma at the end of Fern’s dialogue should be changed to a period here.
- The tense is a bit inconsistent: the first three paragraphs are set in past tense, and then it’s all in present until the last paragraph, which is in past tense again. It does make sense for the last one to be in past tense (since it’s at the end), but for the earlier paragraphs, it may be best to stick with one or the other, or find a way to transition between the two.
I really don’t have many critiques for this one, they’re all pretty nitpicky. I thought it was pretty clear what was happening, and the story is definitely humorous- the style of it reminds me of Percy Jackson
(critique is 185 words, after subtracting quotes.)
edit: critique finished on March 30, based on when the daily changed.
https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/744676/?page=1#post-7833775 (4th part of 2nd weekly, the SWC fanfiction.)
-”I’d been snoozing nearly the whole day?!” in this thought, “I’d” should be changed to “I’ve”, because in writing people typically think in the present tense (and it makes slightly more sense, at least to me).
- “Anyways, Fern the fluffy Goat from the Fairy Tales Cabin, decided ” In this sentence, either the comma before ‘decided’ should be removed, or one should be added after ‘Fern’.
- “He seemed to be trying to eat me, or so I thought” is a little bit redundant, ‘seemed to be’ could be replaced with ‘was’.
- “You’ve got good taste,” Fern grins, I guess ” The comma at the end of Fern’s dialogue should be changed to a period here.
- The tense is a bit inconsistent: the first three paragraphs are set in past tense, and then it’s all in present until the last paragraph, which is in past tense again. It does make sense for the last one to be in past tense (since it’s at the end), but for the earlier paragraphs, it may be best to stick with one or the other, or find a way to transition between the two.
I really don’t have many critiques for this one, they’re all pretty nitpicky. I thought it was pretty clear what was happening, and the story is definitely humorous- the style of it reminds me of Percy Jackson
(critique is 185 words, after subtracting quotes.)
edit: critique finished on March 30, based on when the daily changed.