critique for lark

+ 191 words
+ 200 points

this is a redo / second draft of the critique, and though it is my only one for this sesson, and i did it for the weekly, i am still glad i was able to complete one and also have my work critique! hopefully the feedback is good and that it helps you in your edits, lark, so without further ado, my critique!

"I cried when I got home from the library.

It should’ve been a pretty good day, and overall, I suppose it was. The library is one of my favorite places, and spending a few hours there with my best friend is always a highlight of the weekend. Once we’d finished our homework, we sat outside in the cool spring breeze, listening to the sparrows’ bright songs as we talked."

The opener is *chef's kiss* In the second paragraph “It should’ve been a good day” sounds more powerful than “pretty good day.” Also change “the weekend” to “my weekends.” You are off to a great start!

"Our conversations used to be simple and quiet, sharing only the simplest pieces of our stories. As the leaves turned golden and we had more time together, we started to open up a little. Ever since the first autumn storms settled in, I had a feeling that she was going through something hard, though when I asked if anything was wrong she never gave more than a reserved yes or no. Through careful words and extra hugs, I tried my best to support her, to make her smile whenever possible."

You already mentioned the coming of autumn in your description of the leaves turning brown, so “Ever since the first autumn storms settled in” is redundant.

"When winter’s freezing winds drove us inside, we bonded together more fully. I’ve never had a friend so similar to me. We both love music, birds, and dancing in the rain. We both spent more time reading or watching the butterflies than playing with the other kids when we were younger, and we both are nervous and hesitant about connecting with other people."

Maybe add “the” before “other kids?"

"I never thought friendship like this would be a possibility for me. My few attempts always ended in the other person turning on me, or moving away, until I tried to close myself off completely. No one, it seemed, could possibly be trustworthy. Then I met my best friend, and saw the beautiful light and kindness she holds with everyone she interacts with despite her quiet nature, and realized I may have a chance connecting with someone after all.

Remove the commas around “or moving away.”

“I couldn’t be more grateful for this friendship, especially once we both begun to share our struggles with each other. I almost feel honored to be trusted by someone so amazing. I don’t understand how anyone could hurt her.”

Change “begun” to “began.”

“I cried when I got home from the library. After months of trying to piece her story together through little hints and clues, I know what’s going on. The day before was a bad one for her, and she trusts me enough now to explain what happened. Somehow, among all the joy and bright wonder of spring, as flowers bloomed and butterflies fluttered in the gardens, she’d had one of the darkest days in her life.

I’ve known for a long time that there is evil in the world, probably for longer than most kids my age. Dark thoughts muddled my mind when I was too young to understand any of it. Friendship has revealed more light and hope in the world then I ever knew before, yet somehow, the person who showed me that hope was going through a heavier darkness than I’ve ever been through.

I was afraid to leave her when it was time to go home. I wish we could’ve become birds like the ones we love to watch together, and flown away somewhere safe where she wouldn’t ever be yelled at again. I wish I could give her something more than reassuring words and an extra hug.

I cried when I got home from the library. I don’t understand how anyone could hurt her. So once I was steady enough to find a path forward, I found a piece of paper and began to write. Every kind word in the world isn’t enough to change the past or heal old scars, but if it’s enough to provide a moment’s comfort, it’s worth saying a hundred times over- and worth putting into writing, where it could be read and remembered a million times to come.”

Remove the comma after “writing” and before “where it could be read…”

“My handwriting was messy from years of sloppy notes that no other person needed to read, but I was careful to straighten out the letters, placing them just as carefully as the chosen words that I hoped could bring her a glimpse of light. I folded the finished letter and crafted an envelope around it, questioning whether there was something more I could add to the message, some perfect phrase to encapsulate everything I hoped to express.

I could’ve revised the words for hours or days on end, but I sealed the envelope shut. I could always write another. When I went on a walk the next morning, I brought the letter in my pocket, and left the familiar paths of my neighborhood to deliver it to hers. Instead of the mailbox, I left the letter on my friend’s windowsill with a smooth rock to hold it in place, where neither of her parents would find it first.

Two hours later, I received a text: Thank you for everything.”

Overall, I love this piece! I apologize that the critiques are messy and my notes are blunt as I wrote this in a rush, but I do hope this helped. And good luck in the writing competition!