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critique for summer
(read the original here: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/post/7874133/ )
opening thoughts: hi summer! first off, i love this concept and i think it's an awesome idea
i can't even begin to explain what a good opener this is, it perfectly captures the tension that must be pervading the room.
I feel that maybe a new line after “tears” would be good here.
I really like the nonchalance of some of the characters, like Devon in comparison to his mom, he's acting like he doesn't care but the contrast with his mother is really effective.
The word heaving adds a lot to this line, showing instead of telling gives more depth to your story which you do well throughout.
The casual mention of Ellen's past and perhaps why she is almost bitter is too good. However, I feel like you could omit the “with fury” after the word hot. Ellen's words and face already imply this.
Aaahh it's the realism of how their family has been distant but the dynamics aren't fixed (yet) although the world is ending. This is such a nice line.
I have no words. This is great.
I think you could do a new line for each of these sentences. Currently, there's a feeling of mundaneness, which I think you intended, but I personally feel that some tension could also be built up with a slight tweak in the formatting in addition to this. Also, silence settling like a fog carries on the ongoing imagery of fire/smoke which is super cool
The way you portray everything leading up to the “last meal” part, is really nice. I like how despite people acting nonchalant, like they don't care and in a matter-of-a fact way, that the silence is universal.
Half hearted needs a dash here
This is incredibly touching.
I love how everyone sort of falls into their natural family roles and how you portray that to the reader. This can be applied to a much wider context, which is super cool.
You wrote this line very tenderly. It sets up a lovely atmosphere of nostalgia.
I like how this is a reminder to the reader amidst the normalcy that the family is experiencing, that the world is ending. To symbolise this even better, a new line here would be effective, since this is quite an abrupt turn in an otherwise calm scene. I also feel that these two sentences are a little choppy. Maybe some extra description or imagery would be good?
The description here is stunning. One of my favourite parts of this entire piece, because it's so poetic and reminds me of, for some reason, old mythology.
However, instead of using the word sad, you could say something like “bittersweet” or “melancholic”. To me, sad doesn't encapsulate the emotions the family is probably feeling.
This memory is so sweet, and that line about summer said millions in six words. Although I think you could rephrase the beginning sentence to “The wistfulness of Ellen's voice…” I'm not sure how to justify this, but I think the sentence would flow better. The repetition here of laughs could be replaced by “Ellen does too.”
Go ahead, break my heart into pieces again-
The tension here is golden. The backstory you give in seemingly simple sentences adds a world of depth to the story.
You could add some pauses in the story. Maybe an asterisk to symbolise a new scene/event/ short time break. This piece is well-paced, but a little fast/clustered at times because it feels as if a lot if happening at once without any story pauses <3
The inner monologues of each of the siblings are so good. You've chosen some select things and incorporated them here to explain why they are the way they are, like you did with Ellen earlier. The backstories are amazing.
I don't know why but I love this sentence.
THIS ENDING. AAAAHHH. I can't even begin to express how much I adore how they all left holding hands/holding each other.
Final thoughts: This is such a touching story. Seeing a broken family live out their last moments together broke my heart. I think that at times you could slow down the pacing of the story, add a little description and add some pauses. It's a very good piece to enter for the writing comp, this snapshot has a lot of depth to it which I could keenly feel as I read the story. Some of the lines here are beautiful. Overall, I think this is a lovely piece. I wish you the best of luck for the comp, thank you for letting me read this. <3
+760 words
(read the original here: https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/post/7874133/ )
opening thoughts: hi summer! first off, i love this concept and i think it's an awesome idea
Mom’s stupid egg timer fills the awkward silence at the dinner table.
Tick. Tick. Tick.
Finally, Ellen scoffs. “Turn that thing off! We don’t need a countdown to our doom.”
i can't even begin to explain what a good opener this is, it perfectly captures the tension that must be pervading the room.
Mom stammers, her eyes red with tears. “Oh- I… well, I just thought… sorry.”
I feel that maybe a new line after “tears” would be good here.
“Since when have I been your young man?” Devon asks, speaking with that drawl that had always annoyed his mother. “And why do you care? The whole world’ll go up in smoke in…” he glances at the egg timer, “two hours and twenty-five minutes.” That was too much for Mom. She bursts into tears again.
I really like the nonchalance of some of the characters, like Devon in comparison to his mom, he's acting like he doesn't care but the contrast with his mother is really effective.
She puts a hand on her mother’s heaving shoulder.
The word heaving adds a lot to this line, showing instead of telling gives more depth to your story which you do well throughout.
“At least I care. You should be thankful the government even let you come, anyway. So tell me, how was life in prison? Make any new friends?”
Ellen’s face grows red hot with fury. “You little…”
The casual mention of Ellen's past and perhaps why she is almost bitter is too good. However, I feel like you could omit the “with fury” after the word hot. Ellen's words and face already imply this.
It’s been years since they all sat in this room together, and they can’t even hold a conversation.
Aaahh it's the realism of how their family has been distant but the dynamics aren't fixed (yet) although the world is ending. This is such a nice line.
“You all wait here.”
As she walks off, Devon mumbles, “what else are we supposed to do?”
I have no words. This is great.
Silence settles like a fog once again. Ellen sits uncomfortably, biting a fingernail. Devon stares blankly at the wall. Riley pulls out her phone, and turns on the latest news bulletin. The announcer’s matter-of-fact voice offers little comfort.
I think you could do a new line for each of these sentences. Currently, there's a feeling of mundaneness, which I think you intended, but I personally feel that some tension could also be built up with a slight tweak in the formatting in addition to this. Also, silence settling like a fog carries on the ongoing imagery of fire/smoke which is super cool
They eat silently, each one lost in their own thoughts. Bites are taken slowly. No one is eager to finish their last meal.
The way you portray everything leading up to the “last meal” part, is really nice. I like how despite people acting nonchalant, like they don't care and in a matter-of-a fact way, that the silence is universal.
Ellen mumbles, “I always hated monopoly,” but her comment is halfhearted.
Half hearted needs a dash here
It’s been a long time, but no one will ever forget their piece.
This is incredibly touching.
Although they don’t always get along with him, at least they know they can trust him.
I love how everyone sort of falls into their natural family roles and how you portray that to the reader. This can be applied to a much wider context, which is super cool.
However, there is a tenderness to the quiet. The clinking of the worn pieces brings back memories of days gone by.
You wrote this line very tenderly. It sets up a lovely atmosphere of nostalgia.
Suddenly, there’s a flicker, and everything goes black. Someone screams.
I like how this is a reminder to the reader amidst the normalcy that the family is experiencing, that the world is ending. To symbolise this even better, a new line here would be effective, since this is quite an abrupt turn in an otherwise calm scene. I also feel that these two sentences are a little choppy. Maybe some extra description or imagery would be good?
The blood-red sun is setting, and the room is tinged crimson in its glow. Everyone stares in sad fascination at the color. It would be beautiful if it wasn’t heralding extinction.
The description here is stunning. One of my favourite parts of this entire piece, because it's so poetic and reminds me of, for some reason, old mythology.
However, instead of using the word sad, you could say something like “bittersweet” or “melancholic”. To me, sad doesn't encapsulate the emotions the family is probably feeling.
Ellen’s voice is wistful. “Remember the time we went to Atlantic City Boardwalk?”
“And you got sick eating saltwater taffy? Yeah, I remember.” Riley laughs, and Ellen laughs with her.
“That was a great summer.”
“Yeah.”
This memory is so sweet, and that line about summer said millions in six words. Although I think you could rephrase the beginning sentence to “The wistfulness of Ellen's voice…” I'm not sure how to justify this, but I think the sentence would flow better. The repetition here of laughs could be replaced by “Ellen does too.”
Her friends invited her to come to New York with them, but her father insisted that summer was a time for family. She didn’t see why there was any reason she needed more time with them. She tried to get as little as she could. Now she craves more, but there’s nothing she can do about it.
Go ahead, break my heart into pieces again-
“I know where the candles are. This is my house too.”
The words hang in the air. After five years, is it really?
The tension here is golden. The backstory you give in seemingly simple sentences adds a world of depth to the story.
Ellen returns a minute later with Mom’s nicest scented candle in her hands. Mom bites her lip.
…
Devon fetches the lighter, and once the candle is lit the room fills with a calming scent.
You could add some pauses in the story. Maybe an asterisk to symbolise a new scene/event/ short time break. This piece is well-paced, but a little fast/clustered at times because it feels as if a lot if happening at once without any story pauses <3
Devon scoffs. “Come on! I was about to snag the set!”
Sirens sound in the distance.
I’m messed up. But I don’t want to die.
…
All her life she’s done her best to be perfect. One good child to make up for the wrongs of her siblings. Her parents had suffered enough. She needed to be the rock even when nothing else was firm.
The inner monologues of each of the siblings are so good. You've chosen some select things and incorporated them here to explain why they are the way they are, like you did with Ellen earlier. The backstories are amazing.
“Keep going, honey. I’m proud of you.”
I don't know why but I love this sentence.
The alarms grow louder and more incessant.
And then they’re gone.
THIS ENDING. AAAAHHH. I can't even begin to express how much I adore how they all left holding hands/holding each other.
Final thoughts: This is such a touching story. Seeing a broken family live out their last moments together broke my heart. I think that at times you could slow down the pacing of the story, add a little description and add some pauses. It's a very good piece to enter for the writing comp, this snapshot has a lot of depth to it which I could keenly feel as I read the story. Some of the lines here are beautiful. Overall, I think this is a lovely piece. I wish you the best of luck for the comp, thank you for letting me read this. <3
+760 words