silverlynx-
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Critique
329 words!
First of all, I really enjoyed reading the piece! It has great description, and you really manage to echo Erin Hunter’s story.
Personally, I find the transition between Blazestar and Foxpatch to Cookie a bit confusing, partly because the last paragraph ends on ‘ “W-what?” ’ because this isn’t a very good ending line for a paragraph. If you end it on something like ‘You’ll see’ then it gives a feeling of suspense for the reader.
At the start of the second paragraph, I think you could add more description, and maybe add some more background information about the twolegs/ Cookie because then it will speak to your reader more, if they have some background information. For example ‘Cookie had been living with twolegs for his whole life and yearned to adventure into the unknown’ if this is what Cookie wants to do.
I would also suggest introducing Swanfeather a bit more. Who is Swanfeather and how does this relate to the last paragraph? Is Swanfeather the ‘stone-coloured she-cat’ from the last paragraph? I really like how you add that twist as Foxpatch isn’t chosen for deputy. I also really like hoe you bring Foxpatch back to old memories when he sees his claw marks on the tree
I love how in the last paragraph you reveal Foxpatch’s bloodthirsty nature when he k1lls the other members of his patrol. I find the line ‘Moons of anguish and rage and hatred piled into his claws, and lunged with deadly precision, killing him immediately.’ because it sounds like it’s killing Foxpatch, not the others, then I read the next line and realised. Maybe you could think of making this a bit clearer.
Overall, I think you need to tell your reader more about your characters so that they can relate to the piece more and understand it. However, I loved this writing and it was a real treat to read and critique! Thank you for letting me critique your amazing piece!
329 words!
First of all, I really enjoyed reading the piece! It has great description, and you really manage to echo Erin Hunter’s story.
Personally, I find the transition between Blazestar and Foxpatch to Cookie a bit confusing, partly because the last paragraph ends on ‘ “W-what?” ’ because this isn’t a very good ending line for a paragraph. If you end it on something like ‘You’ll see’ then it gives a feeling of suspense for the reader.
At the start of the second paragraph, I think you could add more description, and maybe add some more background information about the twolegs/ Cookie because then it will speak to your reader more, if they have some background information. For example ‘Cookie had been living with twolegs for his whole life and yearned to adventure into the unknown’ if this is what Cookie wants to do.
I would also suggest introducing Swanfeather a bit more. Who is Swanfeather and how does this relate to the last paragraph? Is Swanfeather the ‘stone-coloured she-cat’ from the last paragraph? I really like how you add that twist as Foxpatch isn’t chosen for deputy. I also really like hoe you bring Foxpatch back to old memories when he sees his claw marks on the tree
I love how in the last paragraph you reveal Foxpatch’s bloodthirsty nature when he k1lls the other members of his patrol. I find the line ‘Moons of anguish and rage and hatred piled into his claws, and lunged with deadly precision, killing him immediately.’ because it sounds like it’s killing Foxpatch, not the others, then I read the next line and realised. Maybe you could think of making this a bit clearer.
Overall, I think you need to tell your reader more about your characters so that they can relate to the piece more and understand it. However, I loved this writing and it was a real treat to read and critique! Thank you for letting me critique your amazing piece!