March 28th 2024
—— critique for @poppywriter

Hi Poppy! I absolutely love your piece. It's haunting and beautiful and just awesome. The frequent line breaks (combined with the interspersed poetry/lyrics) make it feel like a poem and it flows really well. I'll try to give you some general critique at the end, but I'm going to start with some line-by-line. (Any line-by-line critique I give is based mainly on personal preference, so use the tips that work for you!)

Even as I’d pull the barbs out every night when I came home, I swore to myself I’d never tear them out.

This may just be me, but it almost seems like the end of this sentence is saying that they swore they'd never tear the barbs out of their skin. This is very nitpicky, but perhaps consider rewording it? On another note, I really love the mysterious way that this starts the piece.

I pull open the door to my family’s cabin, trying to calm my heart enough to suck in air. The door shuts loudly behind me, and the noise rings in my ears.

This is so great, I love how it uses body language to show fear as opposed to stating it <3

She sighs, the sound like water frothing out of a spring.

I get the vibe of what this is trying to say, but it's hard to imagine a sigh actually sounding like this. (Again, nitpicking! Sorry xD)

The pain in her voice is colder than a river on a rainy morning.

I just want to say right now: it's so cool how the mother being symbolized by water contrasts the mc's fire, almost as if she's symbolically dousing their flame… asjhk it's just so cool :0

Some of the people on the other side of the thorns and woods call me diseased.
They call me mad.
They call me skittish, like a rat in a trap.
A child that never learned bravery.
I say I’m braver than all of them, because I have defied the wolves thus far.

This is such a great paragraph ahhhhh <33

Dearest child, the wolves are blessed
Held in the arms of their crystal goddess

This is probably just me, but when I try to read this with a poetic meter it puts a weird emphasis on the last syllable of goddess (in my mind I hear it as god/dess/), so maybe try reworking the number of syllables in either line? Also, I love how this verse seems to be coming from the perspective of mother, unlike the others.

I am truly making an attempt to stay calm, but I know it’s not true.

True and truly together is a little repetitive. Maybe change “making an attempt” to “attempting,” and remove the truly altogether?

Wolves serve the moon. They cry to it, they pray to it, they wake when it does.

This is just an idea I had, and really has nothing to do with the quality of writing. When I read the stanza about the crystal goddess, it seemed as if it was talking about the moon. (Or the moon spirit?) If you wanted to enhance the mystical quality of the piece, you could refer to the moon as “she” here, but if I'm misinterpreting your intent feel free to ignore this <3

Mama, mama, my soul is aflame
Mama, mama, will I be to blame?

My hands are only growing warmer.
The well is still half an hour’s walk off.
Panic sets in.
I begin to run.

The midnight bell begins to toll
Mama, I can hear the weep of the wolves

I absolutely love how you speed up the pacing here. This section is absolutely amazing, and the second stanza reads like music. (It's the main reason why I think The Weep of the Wolves would be an amazing title ;D)

Wolves love the moon, the moon loves silver.
Men love their sun, the sun loves its fire.
If I burn, the wolves will find me.
They follow the moon. Pray to it.
I am of the sun.

I JUST FIGURED THIS OUT AND IT'S SO COOL- this establishes why (and if) the wolves are against the protagonist, and honestly it's mind-blowing. Maybe I'm overreacting but… ashfsjdjfk

Little drops of ruby-red appear on my arm, not even large enough to truly cause damage, but certainly large enough to feel.

I would remove the “even” here, and perhaps change the first comma to a dash? That's just stylistic so your choice <3

I cannot draw water.
I cannot draw breath.

THIS- … THIS!!!! AHHHH

THE ENTIRE ENDING

AHHHHHHHHHHHH

Oh… my… GOSH POPPY WHAT THIS IS AMAZING!!!?!!!! The last two sections especially, honestly I'm not even sure why but they're so emotional. The tension is perfect. The pacing is perfect. You got my heart rate up for the final two paragraphs, and I could here dramatic and mysterious soundtrack music playing in my head. It's that good. Other than the stylistic critique I already gave, there's nothing I would change. It's just amazing. Fantastic work, and I wish you the very best of luck in the writing comp <3333