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Critique for coco <3
I lost some of the formatting when I copied this over here - but I think a bold on “we don't” would enhance the impactfulness ^^
I'm not sure if this is an intentional choice for impact, but there are some instances where punctuation at the end of lines was missing. For example, “while we're supposed to laugh (comma) smile (comma) and act like we're enjoying ourselves (stop) while in reality (comma) we don't.
You've also mentioned eyes twice in the paragraph within a few lines - I know that they are referring to different people's eyes, but perhaps you could alter the first one?
for example:
”lurching stabs of guilt,
tearstains we are forced to hide." or something like that?
Only comment would be about the “miserably, miserably failing” line - I think the repetition probably isn't necessary here and disrupts the flow a little.
also, the lines
“they scream in agony
no!
in pain”
Could be rephrased for clarity to
“ the scream in agony, in pain,
no!”
or just omit pain entirely as it basically says the same thing twice.
ahh I love this ending <3 Overall, I think your piece is very strong and there were just a few minor things with grammar and punctuation that could be fixed up. The premise was intriguing and well-executed, and the writing was fairly easy to understand and clear. One think I think you could focus on is the other iterations of a “vilian” who might not harm someone physically but perhaps mentally or in another way? I think there were a few instances where this material was quite dark, and you could consider rephrasing some of the gore/harm to reflect other “villains” in a way that makes the writing a little more scratch-appropriate <3 Otherwise - I loved the pice and you've done an amazing job
⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇First off - I love the premise of this piece, and the way you've chosen to display it certainly adds to the narrative.
to be a villain
a writing competition entry
644 words
⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇
have you ever known of what it is like to be a villain;
with blood-covered fingers
lurching stabs of guilt
and tearstained eyes
have you ever heard of the torment we have to go through;
fear etched upon our victim’s faces
with their swollen eyes
crying desperately
help me
help!
while we’re supposed to laugh
smile
and act like we’re enjoying ourselves
while in reality
we don’t.
I lost some of the formatting when I copied this over here - but I think a bold on “we don't” would enhance the impactfulness ^^
I'm not sure if this is an intentional choice for impact, but there are some instances where punctuation at the end of lines was missing. For example, “while we're supposed to laugh (comma) smile (comma) and act like we're enjoying ourselves (stop) while in reality (comma) we don't.
You've also mentioned eyes twice in the paragraph within a few lines - I know that they are referring to different people's eyes, but perhaps you could alter the first one?
for example:
”lurching stabs of guilt,
tearstains we are forced to hide." or something like that?
⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇I love this section - my only question would be if whispers were the first response to pain? This would make sense if it were an interrogation style situation perhaps where the victim was reluctant to give information - if this is the case maybe make it a little clearer? ^^
have you ever heard the sound of blood;
dripping
dripping
dripping
a pool of grotesque red enlarging
filling my eyes
while we’re forced
to relentlessly use a knife, or a dagger
while watching the pain in their eyes
enlarge until the whispers slowly come out
and turn into rambles,
which slowly turn into screams;
horrible, rasping screams,
calling us out for being antagonists
for being a miscreant
for not working for the good side of the world
help me!
i wish i could.
⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇Again just a few things with punctuation and grammar; “you're my idol” should come in the quotations, and there are a few “i”s which you've left uncaptialised but I assume that's for effect?
have you ever seen the horror of bones snapping;
splintering into two broken halves
dark red covering your hands
everywhere you go
everywhere you tread
the skulls staring into your soul
my terrible, evil, vicious soul
bringing out the weak part of me
the part that wishes that i could be the hero
that i would be well-known
be a person to admire
be loved
you’re my idol!
five year olds might say as i walk past
but when i wake up
i know there’s no chance of it happening
⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇This is great! <3 I love the pacing in the section and the flow
have you ever felt their scars on your hands;
as you’re forced to repeatedly
stab
stab
stab
while inside you’re crying
your self contempt eating up your insides
growing larger and larger
punishing yourself
thinking
why can’t i ever be the hero?
why won’t i ever matter to someone?
as they pour their hearts out
tell me their story
tears spilling out of their eyes
stop!
please, please, stop!
and in the end
i know why i will never be valued
⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇
have you ever smelt the aura of powerful poison;
strong and thick, made with the blood and tears
of our dear enemies
while you pour it down their throats
and they choke and flail
trying to spit it out
while miserably, miserably failing
and as the liquid works
they scream in agony
no!
in pain
as their insides fill up with fire
their lungs stop functioning
and the fire in their eyes blows away
and you’re left holding a
cold,
lifeless body
wishing
wishing that you could just
…stop.
Only comment would be about the “miserably, miserably failing” line - I think the repetition probably isn't necessary here and disrupts the flow a little.
also, the lines
“they scream in agony
no!
in pain”
Could be rephrased for clarity to
“ the scream in agony, in pain,
no!”
or just omit pain entirely as it basically says the same thing twice.
⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇
have you ever tasted the flavour of blood;
when you hesitate even for a
hour
minute
second
to kill-
to blow out the candle of life
-in a being
and your leader punishes you
cruelly
as the hope and sense in your mind shrivels up
and turns to ash,
and you keep on
stabbing
breaking
cutting
pouring
killing
extinguishing their lives,
and with it,
slowly
extinguishing your soul
⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇
that’s how it feels like to be a villain-
no triumphant moments
no happiness
no joy
just sadness lingering in your heart
wondering
wondering
wondering
what were their lives like before i blew it out?
did they have happy children,
waiting for them to come back?
did they have loving parents,
sincerely doing the best for their child?
did they have caring friends
laughing and smiling with them?
and the dark thoughts whisper
you will never know
but as i hear their whispers of sadness
their cries for help
they encircle around
and form a thought in my head
a cloud with a silver lining
of hope
maybe, maybe one day
i’ll look at them
tears shining through their eyes
dark red blood covering their hands
and maybe one day
i’ll finally decide
to make a change
to inspire hope
i’ll look towards them, and-
-i’ll try.
⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇
ahh I love this ending <3 Overall, I think your piece is very strong and there were just a few minor things with grammar and punctuation that could be fixed up. The premise was intriguing and well-executed, and the writing was fairly easy to understand and clear. One think I think you could focus on is the other iterations of a “vilian” who might not harm someone physically but perhaps mentally or in another way? I think there were a few instances where this material was quite dark, and you could consider rephrasing some of the gore/harm to reflect other “villains” in a way that makes the writing a little more scratch-appropriate <3 Otherwise - I loved the pice and you've done an amazing job