⇾ Critique for Summer ⚘

Hey Summer! <3

{Mom’s stupid egg timer fills the awkward silence at the dinner table.}

Firstly, I love this opening. It immediately sets the scene in such a great way. I might suggest changing “Mom's” to “the”. I don't really know how to explain it, but it just sounds better to me. It's a small thing, though ^^

{“Oh- I… well, I just thought… sorry.”}

I love the stammering! It adds a lot of emotion and depth already.

{“And why do you care? The whole world’ll go up in smoke in…” he glances at the egg timer, “two hours and twenty-five minutes.”}

I love this line so much :0

{…she mocks, and Riley glares.}

I think it might sound better to split this into two sentences, since the line of dialogue is long enough already without adding the separate idea of Riley glaring.

{His voice is pained, and his head drops into his hands.}

I love the emotion and depth of their father- the way that he seems almost exhausted by the end of his life. I think it's a very realistic reaction that people would have to the idea of inevitable death, and it's brilliantly written.

{It’s been years since they all sat in this room together, and they can’t even hold a conversation.}

I think it might be interesting to add a line drop before this, since it's such a powerful moment that kind of hits the nail on the head, so to speak, and adding it in a seperate line adds some extra emphasis that it deserves ^^

{Silence settles like a fog once again}

I love the continued imagery of fog and smoke <3

{Mom returns with dinner. Chicken casserole.
“That… smells really good,” says Ellen reluctantly.
Mom offers a small smile. }

This is incredibly touching <33 Amazing job, summer <3

{No one is eager to finish their last meal.}

This line… is… it's just amazing. I have nothing else to say besides that XD

{She returns with the dusty box. Their last game together was long ago, long before their last meal.}

This may have just been my very tired mind mixing things up, but my first thought was about the current meal they were having when you said “last meal”, so I think if you want to clarify that (and you totally don't have to- like I said, I'm very tired and also working on this in between math problems XD), you could change it to something like “their last game together was long ago, ages before the last meal that they'd shared together”.

{It’s been a long time, but no one will ever forget their piece.}

…if scratch would let me use the “smiling-face-holding-back-tears” emoji, I totally would. <33

{Suddenly, there’s a flicker, and everything goes black. Someone screams.}

This even gave me a bit of a start. It's a great interruption from the quiet of the game, and it's just a moment of fear in all of the unsettling normalcy. Amazing job ^^

{The blood-red sun is setting, and the room is tinged crimson in its glow. Everyone stares in sad fascination at the color. It would be beautiful if it wasn’t heralding extinction.}

This description :0

{“I’m buying boardwalk.”}

This is maybe just a personal thing, but maybe capitalize the B? I don't know XD

{“For what? I don’t think there’s anything to save for at this point, Mom,” Ellen snaps, but her voice is tired, and more truthful than bitter.}

Ouch :0 That's wonderfully written, summer ^^

{That’s all this family has ever done for him. Present opportunities, then snatch them away. Maybe they’ve been trying to support him. But it doesn’t feel that way when your sister gets into the college you’ve been working towards for years, and all you get is a “tough luck.” Then she flubs it, but you’re already stuck with stocks. Typical.}

I love the background and context. It doesn't feel rambly or plot-dump-ing at all, which is a hard thing to do <3

The ending - all of it- is amazing. The tension is so well done, and it's just… it's brilliant, summer. The emotion and pace of it are perfect. It's just amazing.

{“Everyone, hold hands. No matter what happens, we’re together.” Mom’s face is pale.}

I think it might help the emotion of the piece to add a couple of pauses (…) and maybe some stammering here (or just a bit more description in general) just to add a bit more depth <3

{The alarms grow louder and more incessant.}

I adore this. The description of the sounds makes it so tense and anxious, and the fact that it comes right before the end of the piece is great.

{ – I can't quote the entire end of the piece for length's sake, but if I could I would here – }

The ending… it's so great <3

Honestly, I couldn't find much wrong with this. It's just a few things about description and emphasis. It's such a touching, sweet piece, and the way that you build tension throughout is masterful. It's an incredible story, and it's a great piece to enter in the comp <3

⇾ 540 words ⚘