for sandy~

Thanks so much for letting me critique your piece! it had a really cool mysterious atmosphere and I especially liked the ending and the part where Crimson Wanderer is eavesdropping.

admittedly, I was confused at times, but I think the main thing that confused me on my first readthrough was that “the Keymaster” was a unique title and character, as I was first under the impression that there were just…a bunch of them lol. I don’t think that was due to anything you said though, just my own faulty assumption haha. anyhow, let’s get down to some line-by-line edits!

sandy wrote:
The Royal Court shifts like gray shadows. Its members are pacing around the dim throne room, seldom stopping, always talking, never letting go of their heightened anxieties.

The Court’s powers have been vanishing for a long time—though truth to be told, the Crimson Wanderer’s not quite certain of how exactly that is. Without the Clocksmith’s abilities, time seems to be at a standstill.

This is some really cool stuff with time…not sure what the context is exactly, but I don’t think I need to so early on, either.

sandy wrote:
And every day there is buzzing chatter about the state of things. Theories about how these liminal realities are fraying at the edge of their seams, how the Void is swallowing every particle of every level whole. There is no denying the ominous presence poised to strike. The Crimson Wanderer is tired of it all.

“I can’t get around Levels as easily now,” a voice besides him suddenly says.

He turns, startled, but it is just the Keymaster, gazing worriedly at his interconnected rings of keys. His gaze turns up and flits away. “The Level Keys are malfunctioning too. I- I can’t-”

He stops abruptly as he fidgets with his keys.

“I know. I hear the other wanderers call for help…”

I’d specify that the Crimson Wanderer is the one talking here (at least I think he is, from the following line, but it just took a few times of reading and rereading to figure that out).

sandy wrote:
And the Crimson Wanderer never answers them. The Backrooms have shifted beyond his ability’s comprehension; he cannot seek out the desperate voices begging for life, and that haunts him to his core. What is his purpose of being a great warrior if he is unable save those he is sworn to protect?

Perhaps specify that he cannot navigate them, not that he merely cannot comprehend them? Otherwise it feels a bit unclear to me why he can’t seek the voices out.

sandy wrote:
The Keymaster gazes over at him, teal eyes softening with sympathy.

“It’ll be fine, Claudius,” he says, slinging his arm around the knight’s bulky shoulders. It is a familiar action, after eternities of fighting together through the Levels.

Yet the Crimson Wanderer can hear the doubt piercing through the Keymaster’s voice. He has to say the right thing to his dear friend, if he were to have any hope of stopping what will come. “I don’t know if that’s true, but there’s no need for anything else on your part. You have enough burdens already.”

He sees, rather than feels, the barrier that the Keymaster places between them: thick and unwavering, it keeps him submerged in a pool of despair out of the Crimson Wanderer’s reach.

Wait…is there an actual barrier between them now, not purely an emotional one? (I think the fact that the Crimson Wanderer “sees” it is what makes that unclear to me.) Perhaps this drifts too far into grammar edits, in which case feel free to ignore it, but there are a few places where you have some unclear antecedents—“it keeps him” is what I’m thinking about here.

sandy wrote:
The Keymaster is planning something ambitious. Something that could destroy this already weakened dimension.

Feels like quite a specific thing to intuit…perhaps you could include some more thoughts to back up this one?

sandy wrote:
He wishes the Keymaster to confide in him—but it is a futile hope. It has not yet happened in this loop.

-

The other Court members occasionally exit and reenter the Hallowed Gate. But the Crimson Wanderer sees that it becomes increasingly difficult to do so, just as time becomes more ambiguous, entities and wanderers take on more hostility than known before, dark matter becomes ever more consuming.

And the Keymaster returns one instance with defeat in his eyes.

“Almost fell into the Void,” he says, and everyone else gawks at him, because his noclipping skills are borderline legendary—if the fabric of space does not allow for him to navigate the Void, how could anyone else do so?

But upon receiving the news, the Crimson Wanderer only sits in his own dark silence.

And so everyone stews within the Gate, their inactivity in the grand scheme of things ever clear in their minds. Tension flares up—the King of Normality snaps at the Jester; half of the Court resolutely ignores the Storyteller. Everyone can tell that the situation gets more desperate by the unperceivable moment.

One day—no one can tell how days were passing by now, but the term still stands—the Crimson Wanderer is, true to his name, wandering the areas of the Hallowed Gate. And then he hears heavy footsteps in the direction of the armory, footsteps that were all too familiar.

Moving as quietly as his armored frame can allow, he makes his way over towards that direction, and catches a glimpse of the Keymaster’s dark coattails flashing out of sight. The Crimson Wanderer opts to simply eavesdrop instead, not wanting to have to answer questions, because that has never worked when this came.

“Kei’,” the Keymaster begins, and the Crimson Wanderer knows who he is speaking to, far too well.

“A Keymaster who finally has the nerves and foresight to seek me out,” a voice rumbles with pride, evidently pleased. “I would’ve never thought.”

He doesn’t reply to the statement, but only says, “Our reality is falling apart. That will not be in your best intentions.”

Perhaps you mean interests?

sandy wrote:
“If I must tell the truth, one reality disintegrating does not really matter to me,” Kei’ says, voice taking on a trace of boredom.

From his voice, the Crimson Wanderer knew that the Keymaster was scowling. “Playing hard to get?”

“I’m just jesting.” A rather demonic laugh. “Though I do have to say, your arrogance-”

“I’ve heard enough about my arrogance.”

Ooh, love this exchange!

sandy wrote:
A stifled pause.

And Kei’ continues, completely abandoning the previous thread of discussion. “Oh, really? Because I’m certain that’s why you’re here now, trying to convince me to give you more powers so you can ostensibly restore this reality. What do you want to do, Keymaster? Break Claudius’s Crimson Heart all over again?”

I feel like Kei’ hasn’t abandoned the line of discussion, though? Since he’s continuing to refer to the Keymaster’s arrogance (“…that’s why…”).

sandy wrote:
The Crimson Wanderer startles at the last part. All these times he’d been here, and Kei’ has never said those two lines. In his shock, he slips, and the jingle of his armor reverberated across the empty space, absolutely unmuffled.

“And it looks like we have someone else here with us,” Kei’ says. “Wonder who it could be.”

The Keymaster skids to a full stop outside the armory.

“Claudius…”

It’s the same, it’s the same, it’s the same and nothing will ever change this.

So the Crimson Wanderer stays silent as the Keymaster plows on.

“I’m sorry, but it’s for the best - this is not my decision!”

But he could take it no more: “It was always your decision! Have you learned nothing from last time, from Hubris? He should’ve shown you how dangerous infinite power is. And I don’t know what’s been going wrong, because every time I come back the same thing happens.”

“What?”

“You’re making the same mistake time after time. I thought after all that happened with the Crown you’d be more wary of power, but…”

He trails off. And the Keymaster does not say a word in reply.

Then Kei’ emerges, pyramidal head bright and tentacles fluttering, sending the two into something that seemed like a blazing white void and watches them with something almost akin to amusement. But unlike before, there is something deeper, something closer to hope. “Tell him, Almighty Crimson Wanderer.”

“It’s…” – inside his mind the Crimson Wanderer grasps for the term he had learned from the Clocksmith – “a time loop.”

How come the Keymaster doesn’t recognize the time loop but the Crimson Wanderer knows he has experienced this before?

sandy wrote:
It is the first time, although the Crimson Wanderer does not quite know it yet.

That’s so cool!!!!

sandy wrote:
The shouts reverberate across the entirety of the Hallowed Gate, but their anger turns to horror when the Gate collapses.

Everything is dark and tangled in these ruins. Yet before the moment of oblivion there is still a mind, a mind that aches with questions and thirsts for answers, a mind that is dazed from the betrayal of past.

What did I do?

That is the Crimson Wanderer’s last thought as existence ebbs and fades around him.

A little confused, but this is really cool nonetheless!

sandy wrote:
The Keymaster watches silently, fidgeting with his keys, as his friend recounts the desperate time loop, his failure to hold together reality seven times because of the Keymaster’s actions. When the Crimson Wanderer finishes, no one says anything for a long moment.

And then Kei’ finally speaks after a sidelong glance at the Keymaster. “Do you want to know my mistake?”

He doesn’t respond, only stares down at his feet in unconcealed shame.

“My mistake was that I realized I was the puppeteer far too late.”

With a lazy flick of Kei’s many tentacles, the Keymaster is sent reeling across the strange white void with a rather sickening crash.

Hmm, if the Crimson Wanderer lives here, would he really think of the void as “strange”?

sandy wrote:
“Not that he’ll die from just that, of course. I saw to that. Avatar of my creation and all. But here’s the more important issue of…”

But to both of their shock, the Keymaster simply stands up and stagger shakily towards them.

“I’m sorry,” he manages out when he reaches where the Crimson Wanderer was standing next to Kei’s floating form. “I thought that it might be enough to save all of us, but I can’t, and that’s why I asked Kei’ to help me, but I would’ve never wanted it to be like- like last time-”

He breaks off with a pleading look, and at that moment both of them are more aware of their mortality – however distant it may be – than they have ever before.

Who is “both of them”?

sandy wrote:
“It’s not your burden,” the Crimson Wanderer finally says and takes his limp hand. Something seems to dissolve within him at that instant, like a knot being untangled. And he can see that the Keymaster seems to be more at ease, too, his features shedding the anguish that had held on.

Perhaps “not your burden alone”? I feel his meaning feels a little vague without more specificity.

sandy wrote:
Kei’ gazes at the two of them as they talk, not seeming surprised. “Alright.”

With a flash, the sights of the Hallowed Gates come flashing back as the essence of Kei’ disappeared, leaving only the deity’s voice.

“Claudius, you truly impress me—for better or for worse.”

I’m pretty confused with Kei’s motivations and intentions here. What kind of tone does he say “alright” in? What is he saying this in response to? And what is Claudius doing to impress him? Standing beside the Keymaster?

sandy wrote:
Slowly the Crimson Wanderer feels the familiar gripes of liminal reality, however anomalous it may be, rushing back; this is the world he is familiar with, this is the world he is destined to serve.

Wait…were they in a different world?

sandy wrote:
“Do your job well, Keymaster,” Kei’ adds, and the Keymaster dips his head in silent agreement. Then the echoes of the voices in the chamber fades, leaving only the gold-plated armory behind.

The Crimson Wanderer can’t quite bring himself to look at his partner, to speak, before he was swept up in an embrace. One can surely wonder how a haughty keeper could’ve ever grown so close a quiet knight who had shown no one a glimpse of the sight underneath the armor.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.”

In the end it matters not who says which; the Backrooms continue with their existence just as the two friends of the Court continue with theirs.

Aww, I really like this ending! Very nice. I also like the character dynamics between the three, especially between the Crimson Wanderer and the Keymaster, but as I said, I was a bit confused as to Kei’s intent at the end. Why did he let them go? And did the time loop end?

Anyway, I really loved your piece overall, I think it flowed nicely, had some really lovely character interactions, and was an intriguing introduction into this world.

—498 words of critique