⇾ Critique for Rockie ⚘

Hey Rockie! <3

Well, I can tell just by the title that I'm in for a treat. TLGAD is such a great song to draw inspiration from ^^

{rebekah sighed, watching the blur of quaint towns and lazy fields pass by her window.}

I love this opening and the description. I think that it immediately gives off the vibes of the beginning of the song and also the idea of quietly observing the landscape through a moving window. I can also so easily picture her sighing quietly to herself on the train. Absolutely incredible start <3

{closing her eyes lazily}

You used the word ‘lazy’ earlier on in the paragraph (see above ^^), and you say it again here. I know that repetition bothers some and not others, so just make your own call about if you want to switch to a synonym like passively, idly, or languidly.

{warm sunlight reach through the glass}

I love the imagery of ‘arms’ of sunlight reaching out to the mc <3

{along her merry way, she passed tiny, charming houses, freckled, free-spirited children, and spotted dogs with pink tongues, saying hello to each and every one.}

While the extra adjectives help to provide imagery, I think that it may be coming at the cost of the line reading in a clearer way. I think that just the sheer number of commas and such makes it a bit harder to get into the flow that the rest of the piece has.

{his diamond watch gleaming on his wrist.}

It may sound nice to change the wording to 'a diamond watch', since it avoids the repetition of ‘his’.

{ “hello,” she said, drawing closer. “good afternoon,” he responded, casually leaning against the brick wall of the café. playing with the leaves of a nearby tree, he plucked a plump, white flower from the branch and offered it to rebekah playfully. “a flower for the pretty lady?”
she smiled, taking it and placing it behind her ear. }

Everything about this. Everything. I feel like the imagery is so clear, the character-building already nicely in place, and the vibes are perfect. It feels folklorian. The way that she draws closer and smiles just gives the reader such insight into her head, even just with those small, non-verbal cues.

{“exactly!” rebekah replied. “i think you’ve got it, dearie.”}

I have very little to say about this part besides ‘ohohoho’ ;D

{autumn leaves from nearby trees scattering the aisle and tangling in rebekah’s veil}

I adore this imagery <3

{daffodils (the bride’s favorite flower)}

I don't know if you checked out alba's flower symbolism list, but I love that these symbolize conceit ^^ If that's not a coincidence, that's incredible attention to detail, and if it's not, than it's fantastic nonetheless!

{our town has ever seen?” }

♬ I think I've heard this lyric before … ♬

{“do you all know that charming house back home on watch hill, the beautiful one overlooking the ocean? well, bill and i have bought it! and just for all of you, we’ll be having a housewarming party next week in our newly-dubbed ‘holiday house!’’ }

This is a very small suggestion, more based on my own opinion than anything else <3 I think it may be fun to place a dramatic pause in there- it just seems like something Rebekah would do. ^^

{her reputation thus far was one of barely-disguised wildness, and a raucous party would put her in the history books forever as the maddest woman the town had ever seen.}

I'm smiling so hard right now -

{let the libations flow freely}

I love the way this is worded. It reads like poetry.

{“this rebekah harkness character… i think i like her!”}

I feel like the word ‘character’ feels a little unnecessary in this sentence (so nitpicky, I know ^^')

{then she turned her back on her lover as they carried the body away, but never turned her back on his name}

Love this! ^^

{“ooh, rebekah’s probably getting all the money!”}

Another little nit-pick, but the ooh here feels a little unnatural, because I feel like they would be grumbling rather than ooh-ing over this kind of news.

rebekah harkness had filled her entire pool with champagne.

Such a small thing, but I love that this gets its own line. It feels like an echo of the thoughts of the partygoers, and it just works so well.

{and she responded by dying one of their cats bright green!”}

Another nitpick! ^^' the word ‘responded’ feels a little stiff in the usual chitter-chatter flow of the conversation.

{…passed onto another great, wild, blonde musician: taylor alison swift.

—

taylor swift has owned holiday house…}

This is my own personal opinion, but I think it may work better to seperate these two parts, not just with line, but perhaps with a different quote box, since one reads more like a story, and the other reads like an author's note. Again, just my personal opinion, so you do what's right for you <3

The piece as a whole is amazing. It's just full of creative imagery, and like I said earlier, it has moments that sound like poetry. As you can see, most of my critique is just small little things when it comes to rhythm and flow. It's a wonderful piece with all the wonderful description and folklore-vibes as the cherry on top <3

⇾ 591 words ⚘