SnowdropSugar
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Critique for @PoppyWriter
Let me just start with the fact that this is already an incredible beginning, and I'm so excited to see what this brings.
This is probably really nitpicky, but you've used “thorn” and its variations three times in the past few lines, so it can get a little repetitive. Is there perhaps another adjective you can use to describe the shrubs? I think if you change just one of them, it would make it a lot better.
Also, I'm a little confused by what you mean by “stay up”. It's possible I'm just tired and am not thinking properly, but it feels like there's more of a story behind this. I assume you're saying that someone wanted to remove the thorny shrubs, but the narrator doesn't want them to, so maybe you could give us a bit of insight as to who this is to help build some character?
I really love this description. I can definitely imagine what this scene looks like based on the adjective “threadbare”. Great word choice there, Poppy!
Poppy. This is incredible. I love the way that you slowly reveal things to us through the dialogue, but you leave it just enough of a mystery that it makes the reader wonder and try to put the clues together. This does so much for the mood of your story, and it definitely is great for giving me a little more insight as to these characters. Also, that simile? Incredible. I would never have thought of it, and comparing the pain in her voice to a literal thing that's told? Absolutely genius.
Oh. My. Goodness. I love the repetition and the emphasis that comes from putting each of these sentences on their own line. It's beautiful, and it's so, so impactful. This was absolutely amazing to read. Truely. Your buildup through the aforementioned literary tools to the last line just makes it so much more powerful. The further I get into this, the more stunning it gets.
This is a really small suggestion, but I feel like this sentence isn't quite as exciting as it could be. Later on, I know you go on to describe what it is that startles the narrator from their thoughts, but perhaps you could begin with that instead? For instance, “The windowsill growing warmer beneath my fingertips startled me from my thoughts.” I probably sound like my social studies teacher right now, but doing so would eliminate passive voice, which ultimately just makes it a lot stronger.
I love the rhyme here, and the “my soul is aflame” is so, so good.
I think this transition might require either putting it in italics (because it seems to be something of a flashback of the main character) or at least some separation from the other parts, like a blank line on either side.
Also, the second paragraph is so well-written. I love the internal conflict with the main character, the sort of denial that came with the heat. Really fascinating to read.
Poppy, how?! You keep creating such wonderful, beautiful, mysterious, insert every other suitable adjective to describe how amazing your writing is parts, and this one's really a gem. Again, love your use of line breaks to make the sentences more impactful. This whole part feels almost dreamlike, like it's not quite real but still reminiscent of reality, and it totally suits the mood and vibes that your piece overall gives me. The song excerpt is perfect here as well, and I love the way that you split up your writing with those little italicized interruptions.
Another really minor thing here, but perhaps you could change it to “Papa, papa,” instead of saying “papa” just once, and this is mainly because it would sort of contrast your narrator's usual cry to their mother in the other italicized pieces, if that makes sense.
Another passive voice thing here, so maybe instead of saying this, you could just shorten it into “The air fills with smoke. The wolves advance.” Short sentences that move into one another quickly definitely tend to build tension, so doing this could help to contribute to that, while also making it sound more…I don't know. Not really professional, but maybe mature? Plus, it also gives you two extra words to work with, should you want to use them.
Whoa. This is such an incredible sentence, and it's so beautiful I love this.
So anyway, overall, I don't have that much critique to give you, mainly because this was just so incredibly well done. Your tension, plot, and word choice was superb, I'm absolutely honored to have had the chance to give you my thoughts on this. I don't know what your other options for the writing competition are, but if you do end up choosing this one, I have no doubt you'll do well in it, though I'm also completely sure that whatever else you might be thinking of entering is equally good or better. Best of luck to you, although I'm sure you don't need it! <3
Mama, mama
The wolves are out tonight
Let me just start with the fact that this is already an incredible beginning, and I'm so excited to see what this brings.
I frantically push my way through the thorny shrubs that had been growing by my house since the day I was born. They never brought forth fruit or flowers, but I insisted they stay up. Even as I’d pull the thorns out every night when I came home, I swore to myself I’d never tear them out.
This is probably really nitpicky, but you've used “thorn” and its variations three times in the past few lines, so it can get a little repetitive. Is there perhaps another adjective you can use to describe the shrubs? I think if you change just one of them, it would make it a lot better.
Also, I'm a little confused by what you mean by “stay up”. It's possible I'm just tired and am not thinking properly, but it feels like there's more of a story behind this. I assume you're saying that someone wanted to remove the thorny shrubs, but the narrator doesn't want them to, so maybe you could give us a bit of insight as to who this is to help build some character?
My mother walks into the room, drying her hands on a threadbare rag.
I really love this description. I can definitely imagine what this scene looks like based on the adjective “threadbare”. Great word choice there, Poppy!
“Again? Truly?”
The pain in her voice is colder than a river on a rainy morning.
“I heard them.”
“They won’t come for you,” she whispers sternly, intently. “They’re dogs. We control them.”
Poppy. This is incredible. I love the way that you slowly reveal things to us through the dialogue, but you leave it just enough of a mystery that it makes the reader wonder and try to put the clues together. This does so much for the mood of your story, and it definitely is great for giving me a little more insight as to these characters. Also, that simile? Incredible. I would never have thought of it, and comparing the pain in her voice to a literal thing that's told? Absolutely genius.
Some of the people on the other side of the thorns and woods call me diseased.
They call me mad.
They call me skittish, like a rat in a trap.
A child that never learned bravery.
I say I’m braver than all of them, because I have defied the wolves thus far.
Oh. My. Goodness. I love the repetition and the emphasis that comes from putting each of these sentences on their own line. It's beautiful, and it's so, so impactful. This was absolutely amazing to read. Truely. Your buildup through the aforementioned literary tools to the last line just makes it so much more powerful. The further I get into this, the more stunning it gets.
I am startled from my thoughts.
This is a really small suggestion, but I feel like this sentence isn't quite as exciting as it could be. Later on, I know you go on to describe what it is that startles the narrator from their thoughts, but perhaps you could begin with that instead? For instance, “The windowsill growing warmer beneath my fingertips startled me from my thoughts.” I probably sound like my social studies teacher right now, but doing so would eliminate passive voice, which ultimately just makes it a lot stronger.
Mama, mama, my soul is aflame
Mama, mama, will I be to blame?
I love the rhyme here, and the “my soul is aflame” is so, so good.
It started when I was eight. I’d seen the wolves for the first time. They’d stopped being a sound heard in the night- they became something to be seen, something to fear.
I’d grown warm. I thought it was just my imagination, my reaction to my fear, until my bedsheets lit up and I was almost scorched in my sleep. I blamed it on the fireplace, saying I’d moved the bed too close to the hearth.
I think this transition might require either putting it in italics (because it seems to be something of a flashback of the main character) or at least some separation from the other parts, like a blank line on either side.
Also, the second paragraph is so well-written. I love the internal conflict with the main character, the sort of denial that came with the heat. Really fascinating to read.
A song my father sang to me, buried in memory, surfaces.
Birds love the trees, the trees love water.
Children love music, music loves the lyre
Wolves love moon, the moon loves silver.
Men love their sun, the sun loves its fire.
If I burn, the wolves will find me.
They follow the moon. Pray to it.
I am of the sun.
Poppy, how?! You keep creating such wonderful, beautiful, mysterious, insert every other suitable adjective to describe how amazing your writing is parts, and this one's really a gem. Again, love your use of line breaks to make the sentences more impactful. This whole part feels almost dreamlike, like it's not quite real but still reminiscent of reality, and it totally suits the mood and vibes that your piece overall gives me. The song excerpt is perfect here as well, and I love the way that you split up your writing with those little italicized interruptions.
Papa, do the wolves cry tears like mine?
Cold, slick, and sweet, like Mama’s finest wine?
Another really minor thing here, but perhaps you could change it to “Papa, papa,” instead of saying “papa” just once, and this is mainly because it would sort of contrast your narrator's usual cry to their mother in the other italicized pieces, if that makes sense.
The air is filling with smoke. The wolves are advancing.
Another passive voice thing here, so maybe instead of saying this, you could just shorten it into “The air fills with smoke. The wolves advance.” Short sentences that move into one another quickly definitely tend to build tension, so doing this could help to contribute to that, while also making it sound more…I don't know. Not really professional, but maybe mature? Plus, it also gives you two extra words to work with, should you want to use them.
They weep for gold and fire, for daylight and hurt.
Whoa. This is such an incredible sentence, and it's so beautiful I love this.
So anyway, overall, I don't have that much critique to give you, mainly because this was just so incredibly well done. Your tension, plot, and word choice was superb, I'm absolutely honored to have had the chance to give you my thoughts on this. I don't know what your other options for the writing competition are, but if you do end up choosing this one, I have no doubt you'll do well in it, though I'm also completely sure that whatever else you might be thinking of entering is equally good or better. Best of luck to you, although I'm sure you don't need it! <3