critique - 602
with @Scrollreader023
( part one https://scratch.mit.edu/discuss/topic/748557/?page=1#post-7870814 )
Woah ok so right off the bat, Lucius is such a cool character! I did a bunch of research on alexithymia for this (I kind of went down a rabbit hole because I've discovered I might actually have it? oops), and it appears that there's two types, affective (difficulty experiencing feelings) and cognitive (difficulty identifying feelings). I'm assuming he has the former because of the line,

(i)t was hard for him to feel emotion

so I'll be talking about alexithymia in terms of this type, not cognitive.

One of the symptoms of alexithymia is an externally oriented thinking style (eot), meaning that the person with eot thinks mainly in terms of reactions to external stimuli - or, they're focused on external events, not internal. For the most part, Lucius shows this, but in a few sections, his thoughts turn internal -

Had it been the White Dragon or the Snow Dragon? He couldn't remember. It was only in the top twenty most powerful dragons ever. He had killed higher ranked.

This information is used to further develop his person as strong and, well, really really good at killing dragons, but it's presented in a way that's contrary to his alexithymia (although the extent to which eot is the main thinking style in alexithymic people differs, but since it's stated that it's hard for him to feel any emotions, I'm assuming that he has dominant eot to go along with the more severe alexithymia). In order to portray the symptoms that are characteristics of his condition and preserve this information, you may want to mix around where the information is said - instead of having as a side-thought sort of bit in his thoughts (which would work super well in someone without eot!!), maybe try putting it as more of a fact in the piece, like how you wrote,

He could never find a worthy opponent to fight, beating everyone who tried. Even his master, previously the 6th strongest swordsman in Aurumiyrn, couldn't match Lucius's raw talent.

This quote doesn't appear directly in his thoughts (although it could be interpreted as such), instead being more of a statement that the reader gets to know.

He looked down. It was hard for him to feel emotion, but a stab of pity went through him. Such a marvelous creature, felled by a mere human.

If he has only affective alexithymia and doesn't show signs of the cognitive type, then these lines are fine, but it's unlikely that someone with cognitive alexithymia would be able to identify an emotion (especially pity, which is a pretty complicated emotion) so quickly, and especially when it's a stab of emotion (quick flash of a feeling) and not something lasting longer. Again, if he doesn't have any cognitive alexithymia, then this is totally fine!

That's pretty much all I have, but I'll leave you with one extra thought - Lucius is not, at least in this example, particularly likeable. I like him as a character; he's very interesting to read, but I don't like his character itself (personality-wise, I mean). If he is the main character in your world, and he is meant to be likeable, then you might want to add him doing positive actions, rather than just killing and asking everyone to submit. However, as this is just a short excerpt from what seems to be a much longer story, so it may be that he is much more likeable in other situations. Overall, though, he seems to be a really nice character and you've done a lovely job in fleshing him out! He's a very creative sort of character

(and I mean that in a good way!) Thanks for letting me critique!!